The following are selected entries from America’s diary relating to Osama bin Laden, covering the period from 9/11/2001 to mid 2007. On September 12, 2007, Only Sayin’ received an anonymous package containing America’s diary. Entries date from early 2001 to mid 2007. The accompanying note indicated that the diary was obtained by a country that “used to be a friend,” and was provided so that we might see the “real America.” To support its veracity, the note indicates that the diary was located under a pile of sweatshirts on an upper shelf of America’s closet, along with two bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, birth control pills, and a box of never-sent love notes addressed to Australia.
The diary runs to several thousand pages in five volumes with hand-illustrated floral-themed covers. When the material came into our possesion, we naturally assumed that we had hit upon a treasure trove of enormous historical significance. However, review of the material quickly dispelled such idealistic notions. Our editorial staff was unanimous in the opinion that the America revealed in these volumes is so petty, so shallow, and so self-absorbed that to release the material publicly would be devastating to our national psyche. Thus, in light of the recent controversy regarding the degree of America’s committment to the capture of Osama bin Laden, we are reprinting only a handful of entries relating to the Al Qaeda mastermind.
The rest we have burned.
OMG. This has been like the worst day of my life! Somebody just blew up the twin towers, the pentagon, and crashed another hijacked plane. The news keeps playing it over and over again. Why don’t they show something to take everyone’s minds off all these horrible things?
My life is ruined. I am seriously going to kill myself.
Russia and Germany called, but I just let it go to voicemail. I can’t talk to anyone right now. Even that bitch France called.
Where in New York are the twin towers? Not where the shopping is, I don’t think. Definitely not Broadway. At least the Hard Rock Cafe and the Disney store are OK.
Today I found out that it was Osama bin Laden that did it. He is totally gross in his picture. All those people are gross. Why can’t they shave? They look like they never take a bath. They’re crazy and they ruined everything. Mexico was supposed to have a party on friday, and now it’s cancelled. Everybody is acting totally sad and depressed.
I am SO pissed off. I’m going to catch that dickhead and fly an airplane into him, and set him on fire and then put him out and do it all over again. We’ll see how he likes it and all his stinky arab friends.
I’m swearing a pact right now. I will burn his ASS!
There was big concert about 9/11 on television. It was kind of wierd–there were no commercials.
Dave Mathews is totally hot! I would do him in a second!
September 27, 2001
I am SO frustrated! I’ve been looking everywhere for OBL, but I can’t find him! He is such a pussy! And now everyone’s laughing at me cuz he kicked my ass and I can’t do anything about it. When they see me they act all serious and sad, and they’re all like they’re my best friends and offering to help me. Even France put her arm around me today!!! How yucky is that?! GOD I HATE THAT BITCH!!!!
I am going to show all of them. I am going to explode like a super bitch, and they all better watch out.
P.S. I was totally in a horrible mood today. Only Britain sat with me at lunch. I know I keep saying I’m through with him. He is such a LITTLE BOY, but at least he has good taste in ME! Told him I’d go with him to the Group of Eight summit next week. You should have seen how happy he was. Pathetic.
Maybe I’ll get a better offer.
October 7, 2001
I feel fantastic. I told you I was gonna kick some ass, and today I started. I rolled into Afghanistan like a bitch on wheels. You should have seen the look on the other countries’ faces. They were totally freaked out. When I woke up in the morning, all I could think about was kicking OBL’s nasty, sweaty ass, but from almost the second I starting whipping Afghanistan, I swear I completely forgot about that towelhead faggot. I mean, I was rolling over a whole country! There were bodies flying everywhere, stinky little Arabs screaming for their mommies and shitting themselves if I even looked at them.
What do I care about catching one gross little Arab when I can kill a whole country full of them?
P.S. Got pretty carried away by the excitement. Have a vague memory of sucking face with Spain during the artillery barrage. My imagination?
November 20, 2001
So now Afghanistan is like totally conquered. Fabu, right? Not! What a shithole! There’s absolutely NOTHING to do there! It smells and the bathrooms are disgusting and the food is gross and they eat with their hands out of the same dish! Like I’m going to put anything in my mouth when those nasty hands have been there. Everybody acts all weird and refuses to speak English.
I’m totally boooooooooored. OBL is hiding in the mountains, and I’m bombing the shit out of him, but this place is so crappy that I swear you can’t even tell which parts have been bombed and which parts haven’t! And I don’t even know if it’s doing anything. Meanwhile, all the other countries are all like “We support you!” and “You go!” but I have a feeling they’re actually happy that I’m off in the middle of nowhere just so they can do stuff without me behind my back.
If they think they can ignore me I will teach them a lesson they will never forget!
Decmber 2, 2001
I am so done with Afghanistan. I can’t believe I even wasted my time on that. Not sure what’s happened to OBL, but whatever. Loser.
I’ve been thinking about a way to really bring down the house. Stay tuned!
July 9, 2002
I totally hate this year! Afghanistan was completely unsatisfying. I am ready to tear those Arabs a new one, and now all the sudden everyone’s like “Hold on for a minute, let’s talk about this…” LAME-O! Even my so-called friends are frustrating me. If they were really my friends, shouldn’t they help me? Instead we all have to do this conflict resolution bullshit at the UN. What a crock. It’s all run by loser countries like Egypt and Nigeria–of course THEY”RE all like–ooh, let’s resolve this conflict. Let’s TALK about it. PUSSIES.
Well they better duck. This girl is just getting started.
February 16, 2003
I told England today that I’m going to attack Iraq. I could tell he was peeing his pants. But I was wearing my new turquoise halter top with the spaghetti straps. I looked so HOT. I leaned over to give him an eyefull, and he was like, just say when…
As if! How about never, girlie
boy? Does that work for you?
Some of the other countries don’t want me to do it. God, I hate it when they try to control me. I made up some bullshit that Iraq and OBL were friends. Whatever. It’ll shut them up.
I am so psyched! Iraq is going to rule! Told Israel about it. He didn’t say much, but I could tell he was impressed.
Super-secret: Israel is totally hot!
Pros: Kicks ass almost as much as me, great hair.
March 18, 2003
Game on! Guess all the other countries know who’s boss now. The looks on their faces were priceless. My posse is totally kissing my ass. Like they could do anything without me. Everyone’s shitting bricks. Even France was speechless for once, that pansy. She can suck my ass!
Who’s your daddy now, OBL?
I am so happy!
BEING ME IS THE WORSE THING EVER! I HATE MY LIFE! Iraq is so sucky! They totally don’t appreciate anything I’ve done for them. All the other cuntries have been ignoring me. Even England stopped calling me. Like I care what he does. And then Australia called to say that Osama was on tv. I was like, Hello? ANTM is on! You’re lucky I have TiVo or I’d flip out on you!
Why does everyone hate me? I didn’t start all this–OBL did. Am I supposed to just lay down and do nothing. NFW!
Well I. Do. Not. Care. What they think. I don’t need their help, and I will NOT be ignored.
I think Iran’s been talking about me behind my back…